You’ve Got Some ‘Splaining to Do: The Privileged Refusal to STFU

A friend recently posted to Facebook a great collection of photos that were gathered immediately after gay marriage was legalized in New York. They were wonderful, heartwarming, and honestly made me cry as I celebrated-by-proxy with these couples as they enjoyed another great step toward equality in America. And yet the first comment my friend earned on this uplifting post was pointlessly negative, criticizing the couples for their attire, stating that the couples weren’t appropriately formal in their choice of dress, and “some of them look like getting married was just something to do while they were out grabbing a quick lunch.” It was an irksome demonstration of classism (not everyone can afford black-tie attire) with possible undertones of homophobia (’cause aren’t those gays supposed to know about fashion?) and sexism (those lesbians just don’t pay proper attention to femininity). I replied calmly but frankly that this was an event about love and justice, not fashion, and was greeted in return with defensiveness and “at least my only…problem with what is going on in these picures is what they are wearing.”

And then it hit me: I was being straightsplained to.

Clearly, I had no right to get my little rainbow undies in a bunch about his objections to an event that had no implications for him as a straight man–I should just be grateful he wasn’t waving a “GOD HATES F*GS” sign. This decision that greatly impacted the members of my social group, my community, totally warranted his unrelated complaints because he, as a straight person, decided it was so. I’d totally forgotten that it’s my responsibility as a queer person celebrating a queer victory to take a step back and kiss the feet of every straight person who doesn’t consciously forbid me and other queer folks from enjoying such brief glimpses of equality.

Oh, hang on a moment–I think my Ally Cookies are ready!

Bon appetit.

This fallacy is pretty common among those who consider themselves allies to marginalized people in social justice. I’m certainly not immune to it, and sometimes I need to take a step back and check my own privileges in discussions of race relations or transgender issues, for example. But commonality does not make it acceptable. One of the most important things you must keep at the forefront of your mind as an ally is that it is not your place to jump on the ‘Splainin’ Train and straightsplain/mansplain/whitesplain/etc. away a minority’s objections to your words or behavior. If someone objects to something you’ve said or done, take a step back and try to see it from their perspective. Apologize for your insensitive slight, reword your comment (or rework your thinking) and approach the situation with a little humility.

Also, the concept of deserving reward or praise simply for not being an active bigot is ridiculous. Behavior deserves praise if it is beyond what can be normally expected. Do you really want to live in a world where hatred and bigotry are the accepted norms? Because you can’t challenge that ugliness without first deciding that humans should hold themselves to higher standards, such as demonstrating compassion, understanding, and respect. Those are basic tenets of humanity, and we shouldn’t have to fawn over you for possessing them.

Being active in feminist circles, I hear my fair share of mansplaining. They ‘splain to me how rape isn’t that serious of an epidemic, and it is in fact the insidious invasion of false rape reports we should be worried about. They ‘splain how sometimes we ladies deserve physical punishment, and men really can’t be blamed for rising to the occasion. And let’s not forget that they’re really the oppressed ones, anyway, so we just need to aim a fire extinguisher at our bras and calm down already.

Even male allies can fall into these traps, and it leaves a feminist woman walking the delicate line of not alienating someone who could potentially help the cause, and not stroking the ego of someone who still doesn’t get it. An ally who perpetuates harmful stereotypes isn’t helping the overall movement, and it is that ally’s responsibility to react calmly and with self-reflection when called out for a misstep.

As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes the most important thing you have to do, as someone not on the receiving end of bigotry, is simply shut the fuck up. Marginalized people are not trying to oppress you by demanding your occasional silence–we’re just asking for a level playing field. In a world that never stops you from having a say, we’re asking that you not drown out our voices. And please, don’t tell us why we don’t understand our own oppression; while you were busy observing our lifestyles, we were busy living our lives, having legitimate applicable experiences that you do not have the right to ‘splain away. So sit down a moment, have a cup of tea, and relax while we take the helm of our own movements.

Sorry, Men, You Are Not Oppressed: The Magical Mysteries of Misandry

I have clarified and expanded upon the concepts of this entry in a new post. The comments on that entry are closed to MRAs and anti-feminists at large, but I encourage reading it, as I think it’s a more accessible, thorough discussion of the issue.

If you have the stomach for it, type “misandry” into Google, and take a gander at what you’re rewarded with. The internet is chock full of self-righteous misogynists who think us “female supremacists” just need to “have some sense fucked into us” (because nothing inspires faith in your concept that sex equality already exists like your reinforcement of rape culture, and the idea that us little ladies just need a good deep dicking to set us straight). It’s a really disturbing look not only at the very real hatred that still exists for women, but also of the pointed ignorance it takes to the problem of misogyny as a whole.

I’ll issue a challenge: Share with me a demonstration of misandry, and I will explain how it is actually a demonstration of misogyny. To start, I’ll take a few common ones down, point-by-point:

1. Campaigns against domestic violence and rape focus on women, when there are male victims.

Yes, men are the victims of domestic violence, and yes, men get raped. As acknowledged at the start of my last post, ten percent of rape victims are male. But you know what that leaves? 90 percent who are female. Should that ten percent get ignored, should their crimes not be prosecuted? Of course not. But focusing on so few while so many suffer is not going to in any way affect the long-term problem. Likewise, women are far more likely to suffer domestic abuse. Feminists do not advocate for male victims to be ignored, we advocate for female victims to be recognized, in crimes that are often glossed over by society at large, in a powerful demonstration of misogynistic hatred.

2. Men are depicted poorly in media, as neanderthal losers with beautiful, capable wives.

First, stop a moment to consider how little women are portrayed in media at all, let alone as anything other than a supporting character to the male-driven plot. Second, evaluate the real dynamics of that neanderthal husband/hot wife dynamic: First, it’s sending the message that no matter how much of a “catch” we ladies are, we’re to be ensnared by any wandering male who happens to deem us worthy of his attention. How many television shows feature a conventionally unattractive, rude, obese women with her Chippendale-double husband? It’s not an insult to men that they’re told they can be as slovenly, ill-mannered, and lazy as they wish and still expect a beautiful, capable wife. It’s a statement on how we, as women, should have low standards because we should be grateful for any and all male attention that is granted to us.

Third, how capable are these women, really, and where does their expertise lie? Often, the wives are stay-at-home moms, and yes, spectacular ones; but this is an extension of the misogyny that says women are biologically driven to be good mothers, and males aren’t required to be good fathers. Occasionally the mom will be an amazing multi-tasker, working outside the home (often as a receptionist or other subservient role) while also keeping her home, children, and husband in hot meals, clean clothes, and constant love and affection. But this isn’t about painting women as super-capable. It is about the standard that we, as women, are held to in real life, where even if we work outside the home, we are expected to pick up most of the household chores as well, and do it with a smile, because that’s a woman’s role.

3. Girls and women are allowed more self-expression; it’s okay to be a tomboy, but not a girly-man.

This is not a hatred of men and all things male, it is a hatred of anything female/feminine, even when demonstrated by a male. This is a fashion in which male rape is often derided–it is mocked as a feminine violation, and the victim as less of a man for “allowing” it to happen. To the contrary, a woman demonstrating masculine qualities faces two possible outcomes: Acceptance and congratulations for embracing attributes viewed as beyond her normal, limited female scope of accomplishment, or derision for desiring a role equal to men, for shirking her inherently feminine duties of taking care of the home, looking conventionally pretty, etc.

4. There are programs in place to help women–such as college scholarships–while no such programs exist solely for men.

This is an argument laid against most any affirmative-action-style program. It’s viewed as “reverse prejudice” that allows the minority an unfair chance. But, even in a world where women are no longer a surprise in college, we are still fighting an uphill battle after we graduate. A woman with a degree is not on a level playing field with a man holding those same credentials. Even if she overcomes the hiring discrimination laid against women, she would still make less than a man in a comparable position. And heaven forbid she go about doing “womanly” things like becoming pregnant, she’ll face even more job discrimination. So while the leg-up via a scholarship may seem an unfair advantage at the start, it still does not even give women a chance at equality in the real world. You cannot begrudge the child who lives on bread and rice a free ice cream bar while the child finishing his steak and eggs gets none.

Really, this is a list I could continue almost indefinitely, as fans of the concept of misandry cling to any attempt to show us silly feminists how we’re fighting a battle our foremothers won decades ago. And while I try to remain calm in the face of these discussions, and I will show respect to male victims of patriarchal tyranny, there comes a point when men need to recognize that it is not okay to focus on how they are victimized by the system that actively oppresses women. It’s why misandry isn’t real the way misogyny is. Are there some women who hate men? Of course. There’s always somebody who hates somebody else. But it is not institutionalized oppression, and that is why feminists don’t want to hear about it. We do not have the power to oppress men. We do not earn more money than men, and therefore have the ability to manipulate our husbands into staying under our abusive thumbs, or foregoing their own personal enrichment to stay at home and care for us and our children. We do not dominate the House of Representatives, the Senate, the Supreme Court, and the White House, and we cannot pass laws telling men what they are and are not allowed to do with their own bodies. We do not as a group have the power to control men. Are there individual women who lord power over men? Of course. But it is not institutionalized, it is not the dynamic inherent in government, media, and the majority of households, it is not oppression.

Please, men, if you wish to argue the evils of the ever-mystical misandry, take a moment to first consider the myriad of privileges that you enjoy without even having to think about them. Remember that you do not have to side-eye every woman you meet, for fear that she might make you a statistic. Think of how socially acceptable it is if you tell your friends you don’t know how to cook, you don’t do your own laundry, you can’t remember the name of your child’s preschool teacher. And for a moment, think of the women you care about–your mother, your partner, your sisters, your friends–and know that if you can think of even six women, then statistically, one of them has had a rape attempted or completed against her. If you are my friend, reading this, you cannot escape that knowledge–I am a rape survivor, sitting on this end of my computer, asking you to acknowledge that my attack and all others like it are because women are not treated equally in this society. And I’m asking you to help change that, so maybe my little girl can avoid being yet another rape statistic like her mother.